embrace the sunshine

Confession.

ambiguous-transparency:

I wonder if any of you would find me beautiful when I’m angry or sad. I wonder if you like me for my happiness or “cuteness.” I want to know if you can like me honestly raw, without the smiles nor laughter. Without the things that make people beautiful on the outside, without the things that attract one to another. I wonder if I’m beautiful.

If You Could Have One Thing Right Now

And it’s Love just posted a question asking “If you could have one thing right now, what would it be?”

And in my mind, I answered “the knowledge that everything will work out in the end.” I could’ve answered that my four assessments would be over already, but I didn’t even think about that. Just goes to show how insignificant it is compared to the bigger picture.

I want to know that even though I’ve little idea what I’m doing with my life and where I’m going, it’s alright and that as I travel, I will discover my path. Maybe by accident, or maybe it will just hit me one day. But lately I’ve been having these career-related conversations, and I don’t know if I’ll even make it through uni in one piece, let alone the future that lies beyond. The pragmatist would say “don’t worry and complain, do”, like work really hard to keep my grades up and stay in, but how can I do that when it doesn’t feel right? It doesn’t feel wrong either but it feels weird. Maybe like I’m trying to fit a round peg into a square hole.

Or maybe I’m just trying to internalise the problem so that I don’t have to deal with the reality that I’m lazy and unmotivated.